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Dear Priest,
Ever since the 3rd grade, I am infatuated with various men. Whether young or old, I keep going back and forth. This has led me down a very destructive path of porn, but I, with God's help, got out of it. However, new challenges arise. I want to be rid of my dependence on men; however, going to an all-girls school and barely seeing any guys makes it tough for me. I want to love and serve God in my single life until, if the vocation is right, matrimony comes knocking at my door. I want to lift everything to God, and I mean everything. My family, friends, troubles, fears, goals, school, life, etc. The problem is, I just don't know how. Throughout my life, I have been trying to find the way, but it seems I keep slipping away. Another question I have is that how do I get rid of the duplicity in my life and regain innocence? Innocence in the sense of conscience and mind; past and present images and words from friends/various people scar me, and hurt me, because I know they are shameful to God. Again, I want to serve God, but I need to regain innocence and remove the hyprocisy in my life. How do I do this, though? One part of my life says "Go to God," the other, which are outside influences (e.g. friends, peers, girls in school) tell me, "Go embrace guys, go to dances, and the like." In my heart, though, many of these things aren't holy to God, yet, as I said before, I want to be able to respect men and their gifts, not lust after them every second of the day, every second of my life. Also, I want to show an example of purity to my peers; however, each day I fail because I either get involve in impure speech, impure thought, or acts that are sinful against God. Then, though, I come back with sayings of believing in God and following him faithfully, but deep down, my heart knows that I'm just fooling myself and others. I don't want to be a hypocrite. I want to be someone people can come to and know that is pure and truly faithful; not half and half. Finally, how do you remove self-centeredness, envy, past hurt, and jealousy from your heart? These sins are constant with me; these put me to see others as worse sinners than I, but I cannot judge; I am no better than them, for I am a sinner as well.
Frankly, I want to follow God wholly in heart, mind, and soul. I'm just stumbling because of sins, outside influences, and the constant pressure of school. I am asking, please, for a simple way to help me out of this situation, so I may find some peace. I know peace cannot be found immediately or smoothly, but I need, please, something to kick me off onto the right path, steadily avoiding sin and listening to God more and more each day.
Thank you for reading my very long question/statement (sorry that it's long), and God Bless.
Dear Ma'am,
Your questions and statements seem very fervent and perhaps a bit distraught. I hope my reflections will help you on your spiritual journey to wholeness.
First, let me commend you on turning away from pornography, whatever your participation in it. This is a good step. And another positive is the fact that you want to please God in your life. Another positive still is your honesty in naming the sins you struggle with (envy, self-centeredness, jealousy). And then there is the problem of infatuation and the lust you seem to have felt for several years, now, and at a young age (3rd grade). There is a spiritual mantra which says, "Face Reality, and unwilled change will come." You are facing your reality. And this is a good start.
But you ask for a simple way, and I do not think the spiritual life (which is what you hunger for as I see it) is not a "simple" way. Oh, it may be simple in desiring one end (God), but the way to get there seems anything but simple. And it is not simple in the mode of "taking a pill" to cure your ills. It is a daily, hourly, even moment to moment discipline.
We call it asceticism. The word has connotations of "harshness and sacrifice." And although these can be part of ascetical practices, asceticism is larger than that. It encompasses all of the spiritual practices, especially those which have a physical component (like kneeling, fasting, etc), which guide you on the "straight and narrow."
I really cannot lay out an ascetical regimen for you; this is something you should talk with a spiritual director about on a regular basis. And, ultimately, you have to find what works for you. But, what I will do, is offer some advice based on what you have shared.
You mention that you cannot stop thinking of men "every minute or every second." Is that really true? Can you think of times when you were not consumed with this part of your sexuality? Now, looking at your life wholelistically, if you have been consumed with sexual attraction so intensely for so long, then I would suggest asking your doctor about this. Here I am conjecturing, but any hormonal imbalance should be ruled out as a possible cause.
As for "regaining your innocence," I think you are looking to be an "authentic" person. Someone who is not a hypocrite. You cannot change your past. It has made you who you are. But you do not have to repeat it. Augustine talks of the power of remembering. We reflect on who we are and how we got to be who we are. This means remembering our whole past, the good and the bad. This spiritual activity focuses you on where you have been so you can move into a future.
And here is where imagining your future comes into play. You can imagine where you want to be--a young woman not tempted by her infatuation and lust, who is not self-centered and envious, who is not a hypocrite. Imagine what that would be like in your life. And dare to be that. With the courage that comes from God's grace, live our your vision as best you can. And continue to remember your success and failure.
Lastly, you said you wanted to listen to God. Well, aside from taking the time of self-reflection, make time to listen to God. There are various forms of prayer to help you with this, but simple silent contemplation is one way to offer the self you are to God, the person whom God loves tremendously, and let that love transform you.
Again, I cannot stress that this is daily. Hourly. Even moment to moment. There is no "simple" way. Yes, the goal is simple: God's love in your life and living as an authentic recipient of that love (with your faults and failings, but also with your deep capacity to love and be the person you claim/want to be).
I hope these reflections help you. All the best with your spiritual life and your desire to please God and amend your life.
Grace and Peace,
Fr. Chris
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